Wednesday, October 28, 2009

VLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




MY VERY FIRST VLOG!!!! ON YOUTUBE!!!! SO EXCITED!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Doin alright...

Things are going pretty good. (for the most part..)

FRIDAY-
Was amazing! I went to The Church dance club with David. My cousin Amanda and two of her friends showed up. We danced till like 12:30! I didnt wanna go! Dancing is just freeing! But it was snowing and of course we had to get back to Brodey. So we drove him. It was good till we hit Westminster. It was like a skating rink at that point. We didnt get home till about 1. David spent the night because he was tired and I didnt want him driving anymore. The weather was getting worse.


SATURDAY-
David went home for a while and came back. Then Brodey, David, my mom, and I went to dinner at the Olive Garden. After that we rented a couple movies and watched them. In the begining of the second one David fell asleep. He like passed out. I could hardly even wake him. He told me to text his brother and tell him to pick him up in the morning.

Then Sunday I drove him and Brodey to his brother's work. (His brother had his blazer for homecoming the previous evening.) Then David brought Brodey back Sunday night and put in child safety stuff for us.


I really wish that things were different. That his family would forgive me like he did. I know I made a mistake but last time I checked I was only human. I miss his family sometimes. Like being able to go over to his house also and eating dinner with them.

Why do memories have to stay? I hate them. That is the hardest part is remembering all those times together. I opened up my diary and read it last night and cried a little bit because of all the memories. Things I totally forgot that happend.
Sometimes I wish that the memories all disappeared and the only thing about him that I could remember was that he is my son's father. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up tomorrow not remembering the bad or good memories. 39 months with someone is such a long time. So many memories...

Sometimes I feel as if I am the only person in the world that is going through this. That feels this way. I feel alone. I know that I am not, and their are people I can talk to like my mom, but it is hard. You know? When I feel like this the one person I want to talk to is David.

To his family:
I apologize for everything that was ever said.

I hate holding grudges. I hate being hated. I cannot stand it when someone holds a grudge against me. I hate feeling like the most hated person in the world. I wish things were different! I wish I could take it all back!!!!


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

My Birthday

My birthday is in 3 days!!!!!

In two I am going to the Church Dance club with the one and only Mr.David Gregg. My cousin and maybe some of her friends are going to meet us there! It should be a fun filled night. An early Bday celebration!

I told DJG that we are going to have a contest to see who can dance with the most people of the opposite sex! Ha ha. I will def dance with him though.

It seems to me that all my friends around me are getting married. I feel so left behind. I was planning this beautiful wedding that was stopped in its tracks. Then I rushed into things and started planning another wedding.

Yes I have now had TWO fiances.

Oh well life goes on.........

Also on Friday my little guy will be ELEVEN months! I just cannot beleive how much he has grown or how much he looks like his daddy. I never knew two people who look so much alike that are not twins. It blows my mind.




((TO:DAVID FROM:ME))

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Truth

I am madly in love with ONE man.

David Gregg

I can hardly get him out of my head. I think about past times. All the fun we had. The jokes we laughed at, the movies we watched, the time we spent together. It all seems like it happened in another life. And although I love the time I spend with him now I feel it is not enough. I just want to feel that love I once felt from him. I want to take back everything and be able to be with him again.

To share special moments again. I wish I could undo everything bad that ever happened between us. Everything that I know cannot be undone. I wish life would go back to the way it was.

I spent 3 years with him. Yes I am VERY thankful for the time spent with him, but I hear about my friends getting married and it really hurts. Sometimes I even go to feel my ring and then I remember there is nothing there.

Sometimes I think there is a chance for us, but then I think of his family and what I have done to their son and I realize that maybe it is time to move on.

To FORGET everything. Just move on. Get over him and on with my life. I find that so difficult to do.

Life is tough sometimes. I don't understand why we aren't back together. I feel as if we are meant to be. We both tried dating other people and still have feelings for one another, but is that too unrealistic? To believe in fate? Maybe I am just fooling myself. That all this time spent together; the kisses, the hugs, the talks, the emotions; they are all just based on time.

I enjoy my time with him. Sometimes it feels like old times. Sometimes I feel as if he is mine again, but know in the back of my mind that he is not.

He will make a great husband one day. I hope the girl he finds treats him right and does not take him for granite.

I still do not understand why I talk as if he is the saint in this situation. Yes I know what I did was wrong. That I hurt him, but he hurt me too. He would not talk to me very much anymore. We were always fighting. He seemed so unhappy. Part of me thought he wanted this. I remember the time we changed the date of the wedding and he just wasn't acting happy. I should have stuck it out. Talked to him more. Made him realize how much pain he was causing me. Instead, I took the easy way out. Clung to the first man that was nice to me.

I know what you are thinking.
"If he hurt you so much, why do you want him back?"
My answer is simple. I love him. Hands down. He was the one that helped me through a lot of shit. The one I have a child with. I hate that our family is broken apart, but what can I do? I try so hard to make him realize that yes I know what I did, but I have changed.

Things would be so different between us. So much better. He says he needs time.......I understand I just wish he knew what he wanted. I sit here everyday waiting. Thinking. Regretting everything. (I'm so sorry Drew.) 3 years is a long time. A long time filled with laughter and tears. He has seen me at my worst. (Pregnant, in a hospital bed, at 178 pounds.) And he was still there for me.

Maybe it is time to think about things and move on? Forget about the past and focus on the future? Stop trying to right my wrongs and wishing things were different. But still I come to the same realization....

Life just isn't the same without him......

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Songs

Here are some song parts......(scorpions&pink&3rd storee&life house are full songs)

ALIVE-BLACK EYED PEAS
You said - you said - you said
That im the only one
You said that im your number 1
Now your gone and I feel numb
Tell me where do we go wrong
You were my best friend and boyfriend
Now its seems like you're my worst friend
I gotta do soul searching
Without you im a whole different person
I aint acting like I used to
I don't feel loved like I used to
It was your love I was used to
Why did I have to lo-lo-lo-lose
Your love your love your love
Your love is what it was
That have me feeling **bust**
***you are my true love***
And I feel bad that I lost you
I got so many things that I wanna sa-sa-sa-sa...
I guess this mean that im missing you
Sorry for the things that I did to you
Im so lost without you



MISSING YOU-BLACK EYED PEAS
I cant stand another night
Stand another night without you
Since you've been away
Everything don't seem like they used to be
Between you & me
Cause im missing you
Im missing you, love
I'm missing you
I'm missing you, love
I'm missing you, love
I'm missing you, love
Yeah yeah yeah
Everyday everyday that you gone
I'm singing out that sad song
If loving you is wrong
Then i must be wrong



MEET ME HALFWAY-BLACK EYED PEAS
I spend my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey boy, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day, yes i'm really missin missin you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey boy wuz up, wuz up, wuz up, wuz up
Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i'll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i



1980-REHAB
listen up, cuz i love you lady.
We go back, like 1980.
Lord knows you’re the one to change me.
You love me cuz im so crazy.
You’ll see it’ll be you and me always- always.’



NO ONE LIKE YOU-SCORPIONS
Girl, its been a long time that weve been apart
Much too long for a man who needs love
I miss you since Ive been away
Babe, it wasnt easy to leave you alone
Its getting harder each time that I go
If I had the choice, I would stay
Theres no one like you
I cant wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we do
I just wanna be loved by you
No one like you
I cant wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we do
I just wanna be loved by you
Girl, there are really no words strong enough
To describe all my longing for love
I dont want my feelings restrained
Ooh, babe, I just need you like never before
Just imagine youd come through this door
Youd take all my sorrow away
Theres no one like you
I cant wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we do
I just wanna be loved by you
No one like you
I cant wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we do
I just wanna be loved by you
No one like you



WHATCHA SAY-JASON DERULO
Cause when the roof cave in and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do
But when I become a star we'll be living so large
I'll do anything for you
So tell me girl
How, could I live with myself
Knowing that I let our love go (love go)
And ooh, when I do with one chance
I just gotta let you know
I know what I did wasn't clever
But me and you we're meant to be together



WHO KNEW-PINK
You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
?Cause they're all wrong
I know better
?Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
But they knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew? Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
?Cause they're all wrong
And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?
My darling
My darling, who knew?
My darling I miss you
My darling, who knew?
Who knew?



IM SORRY-3RD STOREE
I know I said it, I know I did it
Maybe I went overboard to prove a point
But sometimes my pride gets in the way
Maybe I need some time away to get my head together,
yeah, yeah
Maybe this was my last chance (I may never)
I may never get to hold your hands again
I can say that Im a better man
Im sorry (Because you made me understand)
Im so sorry that I tore your heart apart last night
(And Im sorry)
And Im sorry if I scarred you again today (I didnt
mean to take your dreams)
I didnt mean to take your dreams (Mmm) and make them
seem so trite (I sincerely)
I sincerely (Oh), completely (Yeah) apologize for
doin what I did
Everything you taught me and everything you showed me
It never seemed that I would listen to anything
But youve got my attention more than you know
I take it in, I dealt with it, but I waited too late
to use it, oh...oh...
Maybe this was my last chance (I never)
I may never get to hold your hands again (I can say)
I can say that Im a better man
Im sorry (Because you made me understand)
Im so sorry that I tore your heart apart last night
(Im so sorry)
And Im sorry if I scarred you again today (I didnt
to mean to hurt your heart)
I didnt mean to take your dreams (Oh...yeah) and make
them seem so trite (I sincerely)
I sincerely (Completely), completely apologize for
doin what I did
Ive never ever been so
(Shameful for what I did) You made me know
(But you made me know one thing)
(That I shoulda never did)
If you never take me back again (I never, never
wanted)
I never wanted to burn this bridge
(If I could do it) Do it (All over) all over (Again)
again
Ill never mishandle you ever again
Im so sorry that I tore your heart apart last night
(Im so sorry)
And Im sorry (Oh) if I scarred you again today (Ill
never, never, never, never do it again)
I didnt mean to (Oh) take your dreams and make them
seem so trite (Make you seem so, oh)
I sincerely (I sincerely), completely (Completely)
apologize for doin what I did (Ho...)
Im so sorry that I tore your heart apart last night
(That I tore your heart)
And Im sorry if I (That I tire you apart) scarred you
again today (I didnt mean what I said)
I didnt mean to take your (I didnt mean what I did)
dreams and make them seem so trite (Baby)
I sincerely (Baby), completely (Baby) apologize (Baby)
for doin what I did (Oh...oh...oh...)
Im so sorry that I tore your heart apart last night
(I cant say it no better, Im sorry)
And Im sorry (Im sorry) if I scarred you (Sorry)
again today (What do you want me to do)
I didnt mean to (If I could do it all over again)
take your dreams and make them seem so trite
(I would try to make you understand)
I sincerely (That Im a better man), completely (Im a
better man)
Apologize for doin what I did (A better man for you,
baby)



ROADSIDE-RISE AGAINST
Tell me what I'm s'posed to do,
With all these leftover feelings of you,
'Cause I don't know,
And tell me how I'm s'posed to feel,
When all these nightmares become real,
'Cause I don't know,



WHATEVER IT TAKES-LIFE HOUSE
A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes
She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes


That is all I can think of for now!