The Truth

I am madly in love with ONE man.

David Gregg

I can hardly get him out of my head. I think about past times. All the fun we had. The jokes we laughed at, the movies we watched, the time we spent together. It all seems like it happened in another life. And although I love the time I spend with him now I feel it is not enough. I just want to feel that love I once felt from him. I want to take back everything and be able to be with him again.

To share special moments again. I wish I could undo everything bad that ever happened between us. Everything that I know cannot be undone. I wish life would go back to the way it was.

I spent 3 years with him. Yes I am VERY thankful for the time spent with him, but I hear about my friends getting married and it really hurts. Sometimes I even go to feel my ring and then I remember there is nothing there.

Sometimes I think there is a chance for us, but then I think of his family and what I have done to their son and I realize that maybe it is time to move on.

To FORGET everything. Just move on. Get over him and on with my life. I find that so difficult to do.

Life is tough sometimes. I don't understand why we aren't back together. I feel as if we are meant to be. We both tried dating other people and still have feelings for one another, but is that too unrealistic? To believe in fate? Maybe I am just fooling myself. That all this time spent together; the kisses, the hugs, the talks, the emotions; they are all just based on time.

I enjoy my time with him. Sometimes it feels like old times. Sometimes I feel as if he is mine again, but know in the back of my mind that he is not.

He will make a great husband one day. I hope the girl he finds treats him right and does not take him for granite.

I still do not understand why I talk as if he is the saint in this situation. Yes I know what I did was wrong. That I hurt him, but he hurt me too. He would not talk to me very much anymore. We were always fighting. He seemed so unhappy. Part of me thought he wanted this. I remember the time we changed the date of the wedding and he just wasn't acting happy. I should have stuck it out. Talked to him more. Made him realize how much pain he was causing me. Instead, I took the easy way out. Clung to the first man that was nice to me.

I know what you are thinking.
"If he hurt you so much, why do you want him back?"
My answer is simple. I love him. Hands down. He was the one that helped me through a lot of shit. The one I have a child with. I hate that our family is broken apart, but what can I do? I try so hard to make him realize that yes I know what I did, but I have changed.

Things would be so different between us. So much better. He says he needs time.......I understand I just wish he knew what he wanted. I sit here everyday waiting. Thinking. Regretting everything. (I'm so sorry Drew.) 3 years is a long time. A long time filled with laughter and tears. He has seen me at my worst. (Pregnant, in a hospital bed, at 178 pounds.) And he was still there for me.

Maybe it is time to think about things and move on? Forget about the past and focus on the future? Stop trying to right my wrongs and wishing things were different. But still I come to the same realization....

Life just isn't the same without him......